Enough About Me Read online

  Everybody laughed.

  “Rubbish,” muttered Meticulous.

  “You almost sound jealous, daddy-o,” said Juvenile Hall. “Is that why you never invited Prez to Me Con? Because he’s a more accomplished cat than you?”

  Meticulous just glowered at him.

  “Now,” Prez continued, “as for these Mes you’ve covered in Godzilla snot…”

  The crowd booed, and Prez gave them a disapproving look. “I hear what you’re saying, but let’s have none of that, please. Remember what I always say?”

  Everyone murmured the words together: “Always respect Me.”

  I felt chills seeing Prez hold the audience in the palm of his hand like this. I’d never imagined a Me could be so amazing. After spending the past few months as the internet’s number one delinquent, I’d been more likely to believe in a None of Me than a President Me. But here he was.

  “Very good,” Prez continued. “I don’t believe you were respecting these two by surprising them like that. But I also think they can respect you in turn by letting it slide. Right, you two? Can you let it slide?”

  A little dazed from all those identical sets of eyes on me, I nodded. Meticulous started to say something I knew would be snarky, so I elbowed him in the ribs. He took the hint and piped down.

  “Excellent,” said Prez. “Cowboy, Acupuncture, would you both be so kind as to step away from our new friends, please? No need to intimidate them like that.”

  Acupuncture looked like he’d just had his healing crystals taken away. “But they’re wanted criminals! And they have a lot of bad karma!”

  Prez raised his voice for the whole crowd to hear. “You know what we Mes say in situations like this. Remember, everybody?”

  Everyone chanted as one: “Trust in Me.”

  Meticulous narrowed his eyes. “Never fancied you for a cult leader.”

  Prez laughed. “Hardly. I didn’t even want to be called President Me. It just became a thing. So, you must be the famous—”

  “Meticulous Me,” said Cowboy. “He’s the yellow-bellied burro who made the Rip in the first place!”

  Meticulous raised his hands to the audience like he’d just been introduced to an adoring crowd at a concert. “Why, yes, I am, as a matter of fact, known as Meticulous.” Somebody, probably a Silly Me, beamed him in the face with a spitwad.

  Prez turned to me. “And you’re the legendary All of Me.”

  My face went hot. Some of the Mes here had thought of me as the mythical hero. Look where that kind of thinking had gotten them. “I just prefer to go by Average Me.”

  Meticulous snorted. “Mr. Humility. Now then, we have questions.”

  “And I’ll answer all of them,” said Prez. “But first, a few pressing matters.”

  “Such as our status as wanted criminals?” said Meticulous.

  “It’s a huge misunderstanding!” I cried, sounding more whiny than I meant to. “We can explain! For starters, the elevator blew up and we couldn’t even get here until now. And then the Rip—”

  “Don’t debase yourself like that!” said Meticulous. “Prez isn’t looking for an explanation. He needs us captured to show everybody he’s an effective leader. This is just politics, plain and simple. Isn’t that right, Mr. Commander in Chief?”

  Only Meticulous could make the most important title in the country sound like a dis. Every Me in the place turned to Prez with the same look of anticipation, wondering how he’d react.

  Prez simply smiled back at us. “I’m not arresting you at all. I don’t mean to hand you over to the government.”

  “But you are the government!” said Meticulous.

  Acupuncture whipped out one of his needles and shoved it just under Meticulous’s nose. “He was, until your Rip cost him the job!”

  Prez shooed Acupuncture away. “Now, now, stand down, please. That’s water under the fridge.”

  “You mean water under the bridge?” I blurted.

  “Different Earth, different idioms,” muttered Meticulous. “Try and bloody well keep up, would you?”

  Prez chuckled. “You two are hilarious. Anyway, it’s true: I’m not president here anymore.”

  “But he was the last cat to hold the position,” said Juvenile Hall. “Before the council took over.”

  “So let me guess,” said Meticulous. “After Average and I left and Me Con ended, the Mes got blamed for the Rip. Public opinion turned against you, Prez, and you had to leave office in disgrace. Rather than elect a new president, Earth Zero dissolved your entire system of government, replacing it with a ruling council that better represents the new populations who’ve been dumped here by the Rip.”

  To any other Me, recounting their greatest failure might have been painful. But Prez beamed at Meticulous like he deserved a medal. “Impressive guesswork! You’re right on the bunny!”

  Right on the money, I wanted to say. Instead, I asked, “Weren’t you a little young to be president? On my Earth, people have to wait until they’re really old to be president, like in their thirties.”

  “What can I say?” said Prez. “Age just isn’t a barrier to doing stuff on my Earth. I became president at age twelve.”

  “And did a really rockin’ and groovin’ job too!” said Juvenile Hall Me.

  The crowd whooped and hollered.

  Prez just shrugged. “I tried my best. Like any Me would.”

  “But I cost you your job,” said Meticulous, sounding almost desperate for a fight. “Arresting me is a revenge thing, right? You want payback.”

  “I can’t blame you for an accident,” said Prez. “In any event, there’s another saying we Mes have been practicing. What is it, everybody?”

  “Forgive Me!” the Mes chanted together. This time, though, they sounded a lot less enthusiastic.

  “That’s right!” said Prez. “It’s all good, Meticulous. No worries. And that reminds me, I’d better check in with the council. They’ll want to hear the latest.”

  Prez tapped his MeMinder again, and light beamed from its face.

  “You’ve fit a portable holo-projector in there too?” said Meticulous, trying not to sound impressed. “I don’t remember tech being so advanced last time I came here.”

  “It’s something I’ve developed on my own,” said Prez. “Since I left office, I’ve had more free time for research. I’m sure you know how it is, as a scientist yourself.”

  Meticulous kept his face neutral, but I could see the scowl lurking just under the surface.

  The light from the MeMinder formed into the hologram of four people sitting at a table and staring back at us. Actually, people may not be the best word to describe the hairy brown Bigfoot, the elderly lizard woman, and the blob creature whose body seemed to be made entirely out of Bubble Wrap. The other member of the group was a human, but just barely: he was an alternate version of Lunt, dressed in the ugliest holiday sweater in the multiverse. Why would they let any Lunt on a ruling council, especially a Lunt dressed like that?

  Another human scurried into the frame to take a seat at the table. In the span of a single beat, my heart did a circus tightrope routine inside my chest as I recognized her.

  Twig had made it to Earth Zero after all!

  The hologram of Twig looked smart and confident as she took a seat with the ruling council of Earth Zero. Why was she sitting with them, and where had she picked up that business suit?

  “Sorry I’m late,” she said. “A lake made entirely of pancake syrup just got zapped into the middle of New Chicago and flooded downtown. I had to approve the cleanup funds and lost track of mime.”

  Lost track of time. Was the mangling of clichés contagious here?

  “This is the Twig of my Earth, everybody,” Prez announced to the Mes. “The only native Earth Zeroan on the council. And she’s doing terrific work!”


  I should have realized that if Earth Zero had the space for a spare Lunt in an ugly holiday sweater, there’d be room for a different version of Twig too.

  Embarrassed, she gave us all an uncomfortable little wave. “Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mr. President.”

  “He’s not president anymore,” muttered Lunt.

  Twig rolled her eyes. “It’s just a sign of respect. Don’t read anything into it, Council Member Lunt.”

  “I have a question for the honorable Lunt,” said Meticulous.

  Lunt grinned. “Yes?”

  “Good sir, could you explain what inspired you to wear that preposterous sweater?”

  I couldn’t help but laugh, and neither could most of the Mes in the crowd. Mes loved a good joke at Lunt’s expense. Even Prez had to hide his grin.

  Lunt’s face turned as red as the squiggly patterns on his sweater. “How many times do I have to explain?! This is considered year-round formal wear on my Earth of origin! Which Me are you, anyway? Rude Me?”

  Lunt waited for laughs that never came. Then he peered closer at Meticulous. “It’s you, isn’t it!? I’ve seen you on the posters! You’re the Me who made the Rip!”

  The other council members sat up straighter in their seats.

  Lunt pointed a holographic finger at me. “And you’re the other one, the accomplice!”

  “I’m no accomplice of Meticulous!” I said. “I don’t even like him!”

  Meticulous nodded. “Feeling’s mutual.”

  Lunt tapped on a screen in front of him. “I’ll arrange a prison transfer immediately!”

  “And I’ll make arrangements for a fair trial too,” said Twig. “Remember, everyone, they’re innocent until proven guilty.”

  I didn’t deserve a friend like Twig, no matter what version of her the multiverse sent my way.

  “Sure, sure, a fair trial,” said Lunt. “But they’ll await that trial in the new maximum-security prison that just arrived from Earth Twelve, Build-A-Bear Workshop Alcatraz.”

  “Not so fast,” said Prez. “If you’ll refresh yourselves on the laws that were drawn up concerning the detention of Mes, you’ll see in clause E, subsection 12.A76, that I reserve the right to detain any Me as I see fit. I’m invoking this special exemption now.”

  “Special exemption?!” said another person who stepped into the holographic room. It was Nash, dressed in a military uniform splattered with medals. “You’ll turn him over to us now! Beggars can’t be bruisers!”

  “Sorry, General Nash,” said Prez, not sounding sorry at all. “But I’m afraid my special exemption is the new law of the land.”

  “Negative!” Nash shouted. “Turn them over now!”

  Mes all around us wilted from the roar of Nash’s voice. None of us could shake our deep, dark fear of Nash, not even Meticulous. His left eye started twitching.

  Prez, on the other hand, had no problem giving it right back to the bully. “You really need to get over yourself, General. It’s not like they’re going anywhere.”

  “You need them for information, don’t you?” said Nash. “For the experiments you’ve been doing!”

  “Experiments?” said Prez. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Don’t give me that!” barked Nash. “The havoc caused by the Rip is getting worse than ever! Just look at the latest rearrangements to Earth Zero’s geography!”

  Nash pressed a button on the table before him, and a screen popped up, showing a satellite map of the world. The land looked like an atlas that had been ripped up and glued back together the wrong way. A jungle butted up against an iceberg. A swamp oozed in the middle of a desert.

  “These changes occurred in just the last week!” said Nash.

  “And the syrup lake in Chicago that Twig mentioned is just one of many troubling reports I’ve received,” said Lunt. “Yesterday, the Rip covered the entirety of Amsterdam in discarded friendship bracelets!”

  “The Rip’s getting worse!” said Nash. “And we’re certain you Mes and your experiments have everything to do with it! The writing’s on the stall!”

  “Well, we need to ask you questions about it, at least,” said Twig. “No one’s accusing anybody of criminal wrongdoing. We’re just trying to get to the bottom of it all.”

  “You’re going to turn over those rogue Mes and you’re going to report about these unauthorized experiments you’ve been doing!” said Nash. “You have six hours to comply. Then I send over a fleet to take away everything you’ve been hiding!”

  Nash had more to say, but Prez tapped the MeMinder and the hologram disappeared. All the Mes cheered, and I joined in. Meticulous looked at me like I’d betrayed him.

  “Thanks for not turning us over,” I said to Prez.

  He waved away my words. “It was nothing. We Mes have to stick together, right?”

  “But won’t it get you in trouble?” said Meticulous, clearly not in the mood for thank-yous. “That gung ho version of Nash threatened to send in his troops.”

  “Those squares will forget all about their trouble with us Mes when they see what we got cooking up,” said Juvenile Hall.

  “You mean the experiments that Nash mentioned?” I asked.

  Prez gave us a smile so winning, I could see how he’d charmed Earth Zero into letting him run the place. He turned to the crowd. “My fellow Mes, with the help of Meticulous and Average, we’re now officially entering an exciting new phase! These two hold the key to traveling the multiverse. They’re going to share it with us. And then you’re all going home!”

  Everyone cheered louder than ever. It might have gone on for a while if Prez’s MeMinder hadn’t turned on again. Another hologram shot out of the watch: the hooded face of None of Me. The crowd gasped. I couldn’t blame them. I got a chill just looking at this mysterious Me, but I couldn’t pull my eyes away either. Like Prez, he sucked up the attention in the room.

  “Stop your experiments with the Rip or you’ll pay the price,” said None of Me.

  And that was it. The hologram disappeared, leaving behind a room of very freaked-out Mes.

  Prez raised his hands to quiet everyone down. “So now we know the infamous None of Me is real. But you know what? Why should we be afraid of him? Are we gonna let ourselves get pushed around like that?”

  Nearly a hundred cries of “No!” rang out from the crowd.

  “Is he pushing us around, though?” Meticulous asked me over the roar of Mes. “I heard it as more of a general warning. Leave the Rip alone or it goes kablooey.”

  What did it say about me that I was thinking along the same lines as Meticulous? And that I was willing to give None of Me the benefit of the doubt? If I was sympathizing with the bad Mes, did that make me bad too?

  “We won’t be bullied!” shouted Prez to more cheers. “No council, no Nash, and not even None of Me will stop this Me from getting all of you home!”

  Call me anxious, but I could never step on a skateboard or hop on a BMX without imagining, at least for a second, all the ways I could die. That’s why it didn’t do me any good to see the Mes outside the front entrance of Me HQ throwing themselves into some of the most dangerous leisure activities the multiverse had to offer. They raced through the loops and tunnels of a hover go-cart track, jet-packed over a volcano, suction-cup-climbed an office tower, and on and on, in an endless display of reckless fun. Part of me was horrified. The other part wanted to join in.

  Prez, Juvenile Hall, and the Secret Service Mes had led us out here to show off how they’d turned a drab parking lot into a theme park of rides from other Earths. They’d also wanted us to visit the showers at the base of a three-story water slide to wash off the dung and Godzilla snot.

  “Like it?” said Prez. He had to yell over the screams of the Mes speeding face-first down the slide. “This equipment is th
e best outdoor entertainment the Rip has to offer. The best the multiverse has to offer. And a little entertainment keeps up morale, I’ve found.”

  “Which is important when you’re locking up Mes,” said Meticulous from behind his shower curtain.

  “It’s not like you have room to talk, Meticulous,” I said, washing the last of the dung from my face. “You locked us up at the first Me Con.”

  Meticulous ignored my comment. “So you keep them distracted with all these bits and bobs to take their mind off their prison sentence?”

  Acupuncture threw a towel at Meticulous harder than he needed to.

  “It’s a shame, really,” said Prez. “The council sees Mes as dangerous criminals who need to be locked up. So we’ve had to play along and stay here under shelter-in-place rules. I’ve done my best to keep everybody safe and happy, though.”

  A Me whizzed by on a zip line that stretched from the trash compactor escape room to the zero-grav acid paintball arena.

  “Safe and happy?” said Meticulous, grabbing his neatly folded clothes from a chair outside the shower. “This looks more like desperation.”

  “Oh, come on.” I slipped into the fresh T-shirt and jeans that Prez and his MeMinder had made for me. It felt good to wear regular clothes again, even if they came from a 3-D printer. “Mes would be going stir-crazy cooped up inside without stuff to do.”

  “You got that right,” said Cowboy. “You two galoots notice how none of them Mes back there tried to come to blows with you?”

  “Yeah, we didn’t have a repeat of the big Me rumble that went down in the Janus,” said Juvenile Hall. “Remember that, Cowboy?”

  Cowboy didn’t miss the edge in Juvenile Hall’s voice. “Yeah, hoss, I remember how we had it out. And we can have it again anytime you want!”

  “Can it, you two!” said Acupuncture. “We Mes are in a happier space now! So embrace your inner peace. Or else!”